i would punch a child for taco bell
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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