i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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