All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
