Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
