Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
