Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
