cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
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