he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
