id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize