Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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