in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
