if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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