How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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