You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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