I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
