The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
