my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
