bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
