Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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