Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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