Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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