Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
