I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
