turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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