The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
this boner is exhausting
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
