Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just gift wrapped bread.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
