Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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