your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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