I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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