somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Two words: blizzard sex
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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