Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
