That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
