i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
