I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
