I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
