Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize