so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
