Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
