I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
