ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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