May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
