We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
