my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Randomize
