I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
