Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I intend to get homeless drunk
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
