So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
