haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
