Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
