I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
