you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
