rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
