I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
