Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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