could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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