just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
