Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
