I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
