Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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