btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
