Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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