Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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