It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
