just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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