two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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