I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
my being single is dangerous.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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