I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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