We're like a lot better than the average bears
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
