if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
