I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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